If there were only one impact I could have on the world as my legacy as a therapist, it would be to switch the word "but" to "and."
It seems simple, and it may even seem silly. There is nothing grand, sexy, or dramatic about this one. It is definitely not Instagram-worthy. And yet, sometimes, the seemingly simple and minute changes can have the most significant impacts.
Take, for example, the most commonly used phrase, "I love you, but..."
"I love you, but you're always late to things."
"I love you, but you're hard to be around when you get hangry."
"I love you, but you're really bad about putting laundry away."
Notice the difference when we switch the word to "and."
"I love you, and you're always late to things."
"I love you, and you're hard to be around when you get hangry."
"I love you, and you're really bad about putting laundry away."
Both can be true at the same time. One does not have to dismiss or discount the other. In a world where most things are made out to be an all-or-nothing, black-and-white dichotomy, we unintentionally invalidate the complexity of the human experience.
The person on the receiving end also only heard the last part. The "but" overshadows the first part and makes it null and void. It is received as, "I used to love you, but not anymore because you suck." Whereas the word "and" holds space for all parts and tells the person, "I am frustrated and want to work this out with you because I love you."
I can love my children and get frustrated with their temper tantrums while also enjoying their snuggles and getting annoyed when they follow me to the bathroom. I can enjoy running through Cuyahoga Valley National Park and not enjoy getting up early to do it. I can be hurt and feel let down by my best friend and understand her trauma and triggers while also holding her accountable and loving and supporting her, while also setting healthy boundaries. All things can be true at the same time.
In couples counseling, I see this all too often. A husband who justifies and rationalizes his behaviors to his wife, "I know I work a lot, but I have to keep up with your spending habits. I know I yell at the kids all the time, but I wouldn't have to if they just listened the first time. I want to spend more time with you, but we don't have the money for babysitters." A wife who feels invalidated and dismissed, "I know you work a lot and pay the bills, but I stay home with the kids all day and raise them. I know the kids can be too much sometimes, but your reaction towards them is too much. I want us to go out on dates more and spend more quality time together, but you always have a reason why we can't."
Both have a kernel of truth to what they are saying, and yet neither of them is being heard by the other because of the use of the word "but." As a therapist, I can hear their bids for connections with each other. The problem is that they are fishing without any bait on the hook, and then getting upset when no fish are biting, so they keep throwing a line repeatedly, sometimes aggressively, expecting a bite, and yet still not bait on the hook.
Switching the word "but" to the word "and" puts bait on the hook, even just a tiny nibble. "I know I work a lot, and I have to keep up with your spending habits." While this statement still needs fine-tuning, there's enough bait on the hook to at least allow the wife to consider biting. The "and" implies that he acknowledges his wife's concern about him working a lot, and that he is struggling to keep up with costs and wants to keep her happy. The "but" dismisses that he works a lot and implies that he doesn't need to change it, and that her spending habits are the real problem.
"I know you work a lot and pay the bills, and I stay home with the kids all day and raise them." Again, while this statement still needs a bit of polishing, there's enough bait for the husband to bite potentially. The "and" allows for both things to be true at the same time, as opposed to the "but" that unintentionally dismisses her husband's work and implies that what she does at home is more important.
While there is other work to be done in communication, of course, a simple adjustment of "but" to "and" really does make a huge difference. It gives just enough bait on the hook to nibble for connection and understanding, versus defensiveness.
In individual counseling, I often have clients who struggle with unresolved feelings about their parents and their childhood. "I mean, my childhood was great, my parents were awesome. I did have a hard time when they divorced, but all in all, they are good parents and I love them." The "but" implies that they can't love their parents and hold them accountable for the impact the divorce had at the same time. It dismisses the person's trauma and implies that if they acknowledge it, then their parents must be bad people. However, all things can be true at the same time. "My childhood was great, my parents were awesome, and then they got divorced and it devastated me. I struggled a lot with having to go back and forth between two houses, and my parents did the best they could. They are good parents and I love them, and I still wish that the divorce never happened. It's an ongoing grieving process."
"I want to lose weight, but I love sweets too much." The "but" implies that you cannot change and are doomed to always fail because of sweets. "I want to lose weight, and I love sweets," allows for problem-solving and portion control. You can lose weight and still enjoy sweets in moderation.
"I hate my job, but I can't leave because I make a lot and need the insurance." The "but" implies that you have to suffer. "I hate my job, and I need the insurance and income," allows for job searching, weighing pros and cons, and figuring out a game plan for when realistically you could leave the job, and practicing radical acceptance and detachment until then.
"I love my family, but they are so overbearing and clingy." The "but" implies that their behaviors outweigh your love for them. "I love my family, and they are so overbearing and clingy," allows your love of your family to coexist with your frustrations with their clingy and overbearing behaviors, and now even gives you space to learn and implement new healthy boundaries with them.
The power of "and" is immeasurable. And it's something you can implement right now in your life with all your relationships, from work to family, friends to acquaintances, and even with yourself. So, try it, and let me know how it goes for you!
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