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As a therapist, I often ask clients about their core values during our work together. While many can quickly name a few—such as honesty, family, or kindness—there’s often a pause when I ask them to define these values and describe what they look like in practice. While this unawareness isn’t uncommon, it highlights a significant gap that most of us subconsciously struggle with.


Truly identifying, defining, and articulating one’s core values is essential for living a more intentional, fulfilling life. When we clearly understand our values, we gain a compass that helps us set boundaries, make decisions, and align our actions with what truly matters most. Without this clarity, it’s much easier to feel disconnected, conflicted, or uncertain in the face of life’s challenges.


Defining your core values is a deeply personal and transformative ongoing process. It allows you to uncover the principles that most matter to you and shape how you navigate the world. These values serve as a foundation, providing clarity and guidance when faced with life’s challenges and decisions. They help you establish healthy boundaries by making it easier to say “yes” to what aligns with your beliefs and “no” to what doesn’t.


With this clarity, you can foster personal growth by staying true to your goals and pursuing a life that feels authentic and meaningful. Defining your values also strengthens relationships, encouraging mutual respect and alignment with others who share or honor those principles. When you align with your core values, you create a roadmap for a thriving, fulfilling life grounded in purpose and guided by what truly matters most to you.


"If you stand for nothing, you'll fall for anything." ~ Alexander Hamilton

When you lack clarity about your core values, getting swept up in external pressures, other people’s expectations, or decisions that don’t serve your well-being is much easier. Without a strong foundation of what you stand for, you might say “yes” to things out of obligation or fear of conflict, even when they go against what you truly believe.


Defining your values gives you a kind of internal anchor. It helps you stand firm, even in the face of challenges or difficult decisions, because you’re grounded in what’s most important to you. In essence, knowing your values ensures that you’re actively choosing how to live your life rather than passively letting life happen to you.


It’s the difference between confidently standing for something and being at risk of “falling for anything” simply because you’re unsure where you truly belong.





To start defining your core values, it can help to break the process down into a few actionable steps:


1. Reflect on Your Past Experiences

Think about the moments when you’ve felt genuinely proud, fulfilled, or aligned with your actions. What values were you embodying at those times? Similarly, consider when you’ve felt conflicted or disconnected. What values were you neglecting or violating in those instances?


For Example:

Positive Experience: Feeling Proud and Fulfilled
Scenario: You volunteered to organize a charity event for your local community, dedicating countless hours to planning and collaborating with others. The event successfully raised significant funds for a cause you care about. Afterward, you felt an incredible sense of pride and fulfillment.

Reflection:
  • What values were you embodying?
    • Service: You were giving back to the community and contributing to a cause bigger than yourself.
    • Collaboration: You worked closely with others and enjoyed being part of a team.
    • Commitment: You showed dedication and perseverance to ensure the event was a success.
  • What does this tell you about your values? This experience highlights that helping others, working as part of a team, and following through on commitments are deeply important to you. These values likely bring you a sense of purpose and satisfaction.

Negative Experience: Feeling Conflicted or Disconnected
Scenario: You took a high-paying job that required working long hours and constantly being “on.” Although the salary and title were impressive, you quickly felt drained and unfulfilled. You found yourself dreading each day and feeling out of alignment with yourself.

Reflection:
  • What values were you neglecting or violating?
    • Work-Life Balance: The long hours and demands left no time for family, friends, or self-care.
    • Autonomy: You felt micromanaged and unable to make independent decisions in your role.
    • Passion: The job didn’t align with your interests or allow you to do meaningful work you cared about.
  • What does this tell you about your values? This experience reveals that balance in life, autonomy in work, and work aligned with passions are essential to happiness. Neglecting these values creates a sense of disconnection and dissatisfaction.

Takeaways:
From these reflections, you can identify potential core values like:
  • Service: Making a difference in the lives of others.
  • Collaboration: Working with others toward a common goal.
  • Autonomy: Having freedom and independence in your decisions.
  • Work-Life Balance: Prioritizing time for yourself and your loved ones.
  • Passion: Pursuing meaningful work that aligns with your interests and purpose.
These specific moments can act as guideposts, showing you what fulfills you and what doesn’t.

2. Consider Influential Role Models

Reflect on the people you admire most—in real life, history, or media. What values do they represent? How do they approach challenges, relationships, and success? This can give you insight into the values that resonate with you.


For Example:

Role Model: Malala Yousafzai (Activist for Girls' Education)
Why You Admire Her: Malala’s bravery in standing up for girls’ education in the face of oppression is incredibly inspiring. Despite being attacked, she continued to advocate for what she believes in and has become a global symbol of resilience and change.

What Values Does She Represent?
  • Courage: Malala faced personal danger in fighting for her beliefs.
  • Education: She prioritizes knowledge and learning as transformative forces.
  • Empathy: Her work reflects a deep compassion for others, particularly girls denied their fundamental rights.
  • Resilience: She overcame tremendous challenges and adversity to amplify her voice.
  • Advocacy: She dedicates her life to championing the rights of others.
How She Approaches Challenges:
  • Malala demonstrates perseverance, continuing to speak out even after facing violence.
  • She uses her platform to empower others rather than focusing solely on herself.
  • Her decisions are guided by a clear sense of purpose and values, even when the stakes are incredibly high.

Reflection:
  • Why do these values resonate with you?
    • Perhaps you admire her courage because you value standing up for what’s right, even in fear.
    • Her emphasis on education might resonate with your belief that learning is a key to personal growth and empowerment.
    • Her empathy and advocacy may connect with your desire to help others or make a difference.

Role Model: A Close Friend Who Is Always Honest and Loyal
Why You Admire Them: You can always rely on this friend. They’re honest even when it’s hard to hear and always there when you need support. Their ability to navigate relationships with care and integrity inspires you.

What Values Do They Represent?
  • Loyalty: They consistently show up for the people they care about.
  • Honesty: They speak the truth respectfully and constructively.
  • Reliability: They follow through on their promises, earning your trust.
  • Kindness: They show consideration and care for others’ feelings.
How They Approach Relationships:
  • They prioritize trust and communication, ensuring their relationships are authentic and meaningful.
  • They set boundaries when needed but do so with kindness and respect.

Reflection:
  • Why do these values resonate with you?
    • Perhaps loyalty and reliability are vital because you strive to be dependable and trustworthy in your relationships.
    • Honesty might stand out because you value authentic connections and dislike superficiality or dishonesty.

When you reflect on people you admire—whether they’re global icons like Malala or close friends in your personal life—you’ll notice recurring themes. Those themes often represent the values that resonate with you. For example:
  • From Malala, you might identify courage, advocacy, and resilience.
  • You might connect with honesty, loyalty, and kindness from your loyal friend.
These reflections can help you clarify which values guide your own life.

3. Identify Key Themes

Start to look for patterns in the things that matter most to you. These could be values like integrity, creativity, kindness, adventure, family, etc. Write down a list of words or phrases that resonate with you. Aim for a balance of personal and interpersonal values, such as your individual principles and those that guide how you interact with others.


For Example:

  1. Integrity
    • Personal Value: Always being honest and true to my word.
    • Interpersonal Value: Building trust in my relationships by acting consistently and ethically.
  2. Creativity
    • Personal Value: Finding joy in creating art, writing, or solving problems in innovative ways.
    • Interpersonal Value: Encouraging others to think outside the box and embrace new ideas.
  3. Kindness
    • Personal Value: Showing compassion to myself and practicing self-care.
    • Interpersonal Value: Being empathetic, generous, and supportive toward others.
  4. Adventure
    • Personal Value: Seeking new experiences, exploring the world, and stepping out of my comfort zone.
    • Interpersonal Value: Inspiring others to embrace curiosity and join in adventures together.
  5. Family
    • Personal Value: Prioritizing time with loved ones and valuing those relationships deeply.
    • Interpersonal Value: Creating a supportive, nurturing environment where everyone feels valued.

The idea is to identify patterns in your personal principles and interpersonal priorities so that the list reflects what drives you and how you connect with others.

4. Prioritize and Narrow Down

Once you have a broader list, refine it to the few (5-7) most essential values. Ask yourself:

  • Which values do I want to guide my decisions in life?

  • What values do I believe will help me feel most fulfilled?


For Example:

Broader List of Values:
Integrity, creativity, kindness, adventure, family, growth, curiosity, connection, compassion, leadership, independence, authenticity, humor, perseverance, community, empathy, and health.

Refined List of 5-7 Essential Values
  1. Integrity
    1. Why: It’s the foundation of trust, and I want to align my actions with my principles consistently.
  2. Kindness
    1. Why: Giving and receiving kindness bring me fulfillment and help me build meaningful relationships.
  3. Adventure
    1. Why: Life feels most exciting and rewarding when I embrace new experiences and step outside my comfort zone.
  4. Family
    1. Why: My relationships with loved ones are a core source of happiness and purpose.
  5. Growth
    1. Why: Continually learning and improving helps me stay motivated and fulfilled.
  6. Authenticity
    1. Why: Being true to myself is essential to feeling confident and connected to my purpose.
  7. Connection
    1. Why: Building meaningful relationships with others makes life more prosperous and more fulfilling.

By asking which values guide your decisions and fulfill you the most, the refined list highlights the most central to your identity and purpose.

5. Test Your Values

Start making decisions based on your selected values and observe how you feel. Are you satisfied with your choices, or does something still feel off? Refining core values can be an ongoing process. You can adjust over time as you grow and gain new experiences.


For Example:

Testing the Value: Adventure
Scenario: You’re offered a chance to take a six-month work assignment in another country.

Decision: You accept the opportunity because "adventure" is one of your core values, and this aligns with your desire to embrace new experiences and step out of your comfort zone.

Reflection: After a few months, you notice that while the experience is exciting, you feel homesick and miss the strong family connections you left behind. You start questioning if "family" should hold a higher priority in your decision-making.

Testing the Value: Kindness
Scenario: A colleague struggling with a project asks for your help. You’re on a tight deadline for your tasks.

Decision: You choose to assist them, believing that kindness is essential in how you interact with others.

Reflection: Helping them felt good, but it caused you to miss your deadline, leading to stress. You realize that kindness is essential but should be balanced with your value of "growth" (personal and professional development).

Adjustment Process
You might refine your values by prioritizing "family" slightly more or acknowledging the need to balance "kindness" with setting boundaries. Testing values in real situations helps clarify what truly fulfills you and informs how to refine your list over time.

6. Define the Meaning for Each Value

Once you have your values, authentically define each one. For example, if "honesty" is one of your core values, what does honesty look like in practice for you in all areas of your life? Creating a personal definition helps keep things clear and actionable.


For Example:

Core Value Definitions
  1. Kindness
    • Definition: Treat others and myself with compassion, respect, and empathy, regardless of the situation.
    • In Practice:
      • At work: Offering support to colleagues and speaking respectfully even in stressful situations.
      • In relationships: Listening without judgment and showing appreciation.
      • With myself: Practicing self-care and forgiving myself for mistakes.

  2. Adventure
    • Definition: Seeking out new experiences, embracing challenges, and being open to stepping out of my comfort zone.
    • In Practice:
      • At work: Volunteering for projects that push me to learn new skills.
      • In personal life: Traveling to new places or trying unfamiliar hobbies.
      • With myself: Taking risks that align with my growth and curiosity, even if they feel intimidating.

This approach ensures that each value is clearly actionable and grounded in how it applies to different areas of your life.

7. Live and Reevaluate

Core values are not static—they can evolve. Revisit them regularly, especially when you face big life decisions or transitions. Are your choices still aligned with what you hold most dear?

This process can take time, and that’s perfectly fine! The clarity will come with consistent introspection and living out your values.


Living by Values and Reevaluating
Step 1: Current Core Values
  • Integrity
  • Kindness
  • Family
  • Adventure
  • Growth

Step 2: Life Transition
Scenario: You’ve lived according to these values for a few years, balancing work, family, and personal growth. However, you’re now considering a demanding promotion requiring frequent travel and longer hours.

Step 3: Reevaluation Process
  • Reflection on Current Values:
    • Integrity: Does taking this role align with my long-term goals and commitments?
    • Kindness: Will this role allow me to remain compassionate to myself and others, or will it cause stress and frustration?
    • Family: Will this role take time away from loved ones, or can I make adjustments to maintain these relationships?
    • Adventure: Does this role offer exciting learning opportunities and explore new things?
    • Growth: Will this role challenge me and contribute to my professional development?
  • Outcome: After deep reflection, you realize:
    • "Adventure" and "Growth" are still aligned because the role offers exciting challenges.
    • However, "Family" may be compromised due to extensive travel.
    • "Kindness" might be impacted by the added stress, making it harder to maintain balance.

Step 4: Adjusted Values
You decide to temporarily prioritize Family and Kindness over Adventure for this season of life. You decline the promotion and instead seek opportunities closer to home that still allow Growth.

Step 5: Ongoing Reassessment
Six months later, you revisit your values:
  • You’ve adjusted well to your new choices, feel more fulfilled with time for family, and have found other ways to embrace Adventure through local hobbies and travel.
  • This reevaluation reinforces the importance of flexibility and staying true to what feels most meaningful at any given time.

The ongoing process of living and reevaluating ensures that your values stay relevant and guide your decisions in changing circumstances.

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