
This is me as an orphan from 1980-1982. I was at White Lily Orphanage in Taegu, South Korea, and adopted through Holt Children's Services in September 1982 by a wonderful U.S. family in California. My story was similar to most Korean adoptees—I was abandoned at birth at the front door of the police station with no information, so the orphanage named me and gave me my birthdate. We were later told that my orphanage burned down, along with any paperwork that may have existed. Searching for my past was now impossible, so I closed the door, and ignorance was bliss. Or so I thought...
Then, this article and documentary came out, and everything changed. After a couple of days of searching and joining support groups, I found out that my orphanage still stands, and to this day, the sisters who work there help adoptees find answers. Suddenly, I was questioning everything.
Recently, over 200,000 Korean adoptees worldwide have learned an unsettling truth about our adoption stories. Everything we thought we knew (and for many of us, it wasn't much to begin with) has been possibly a lie. Instead of being abandoned, we were probably stolen...
You can read about it here:
You can watch the Frontline documentary here:
As a Korean adoptee, I have a plethora to share and process. Overwhelmed is an understatement. The obvious automatic feelings are anger, resentment, confusion, and sadness.
Underneath the anger lies...
A feeling of violation of our birthrights.
Outrage with the flawed adoption system that was executed with reckless abandon by people who, no doubt, started with the best intentions and their hearts in the right place and then lost control of the untamed beast.
Let down by the adoption agency that misinformed us all, both adoptive parents and adoptees.
Betrayal by the South Korean government.
Infuriation that I lived with a story that significantly impacted my thoughts, feelings, and belief systems, and it was all a lie.
Jealousy of biological families who know their stories and origins.
Resentment for the entire situation and that this had to happen to us.
Frustration that no one is taking accountability.
Bewilderment by the documentary and the genuine possibility that I was stolen.
Underneath the sadness lies...
A broken heart for me, my biological parents, my adoptive family, fellow Korean adoptees, and their biological and adoptive families.
Agony for the truth!
Sorrow for my younger self carrying false narratives that contributed to depression.
Deflation about thinking I knew what I knew then and realizing now I know nothing about my adoption.
More and more bleak for any justice.
Hurt by us being treated like merchandise, like real-life Cabbage Patch dolls.
Discouragement by continual no DNA matches.
Abandonment by the South Korean government.
Isolation in this surreal experience that few can understand and relate to.
I only started processing and healing from my adoption about two years ago at the age of 42. Up until that age, I wore rose-colored glasses and only shared a happy movie script regarding my adoption story. It made everyone feel good to hear it, including me. Everything I told was true and I do not want to dismiss or discount that. And only one part of a complex story was being represented.
You see, all too often, we, as adoptees, are force-fed (intentionally and unintentionally) a grateful narrative by the world. Everyone loves a happy ending. What's better than a successful adoption story where an orphan is embraced into a loving family, and everyone lives happily ever after?! Cut—end scene.
Except, it doesn't end there. Not even close. Not ever.
Adoption is a lifelong grieving process for an adoptee jammed with a cornucopia of conflicting, contradicting, complex, and complicated thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that co-exist in a nonstop whirlwind. And yet, we are unintentionally given blinders and trained to focus on the happy ending.
"Aren't you so glad you were adopted? You're so lucky! They saved your life! You completed our family. What a blessing for all of you. At least they got to choose you. You're so much better off for having been adopted than staying in the orphanage. It could have been worse! Just be grateful and move on!"
The release of this documentary only solidified the harsh truth that we as a society suck at sitting in discomfort and dialectical experiences. We unintentionally gaslight, dismiss, discount, and invalidate the discomfort to protect the happy ending.
As I continue to heal and reprocess my adoption, I increasingly understand and appreciate Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. All things can be true simultaneously, and they do not have to dismiss or discount each other in any way. The more we can learn to hold space for all of it - the good, the bad, and the ugly, the more we can finally heal, grow, and connect.
I can have a happy adoption story and have trauma and pain.
I can be grateful for my loving adoptive family and resentful towards the real possibility that my biological family and I were robbed of being together.
I can feel unconditionally loved by my adoptive family and still crave the biological connection to my Korean family.
I can love and appreciate the life and opportunities I have had in the U.S. and still be disappointed and curious about what could have been.
I can wish to have known my biological family and been raised by them, and still not want to change anything about my life, including being adopted.
I can love and want my life, my husband and kids, and my adoptive family, and still yearn for my biological family.
I can love my adoptive family unconditionally and have a hole in my heart for my biological family.
I can feel complete and whole with my adoptive family and feel broken and missing.
I can feel like I belong and feel lonely.
I can feel wanted by my adoptive family and unwanted by my Korean government.
I can be angry and resentful about the reckoning and be compassionate.
I can appreciate and acknowledge others' good intentions and hold them accountable for the impact they have had on me and my fellow adoptees.
I can be sure of myself and unsure of my history.
I can be grateful, bitter, sad, happy, confused, confident, uncertain, angry, heartbroken, discouraged, motivated, hurt, healed, indifferent, and overwhelmed simultaneously!
I can love my adoptive mother and crave and grieve my biological mother at the same time. They coexist forever. They are equally as real, raw, and powerful in different ways. It's like comparing a sunset and a full moon and deciding which is more beautiful when, in fact, they are both breathtaking in their unique ways. They are not meant to dismiss, discount, or replace one another in any way. Nor can they!
So, as Korean adoptees discuss and process this new avalanche, please learn and practice reflective listening and validation skills. We adoptees need them now more than ever! And please, please, please avoid the gratitude script. We already know it and feel it deep within our souls. Being upset about this documentary does not dismiss or discount our gratitude. We have also exhausted the gratitude narrative throughout our lives. It's our turn to share, discuss, and process uncomfortable thoughts and feelings with the world and ask you to sit with it.
If you're not sure what reflective listening is, here is a helpful article:
If you need help with validation skills, here is this helpful article:
Adoptive parents, please seek your own support from fellow adoptive parents and mental health professionals as needed. Just as adoptees are processing this in their own ways, you need to process this in your own way. We cannot share the same experience. Adoption happened to us. You did the adopting. And I cannot pretend to know and understand the adoptive parent's experience. My adoptive mom did share with me some of her pain after watching the documentary, including immense guilt for the unthinkable possibility that I was stolen and unknowingly being a part of the process against her knowledge. A dialect that adoptive parents need to process and heal from - Being grateful for getting to adopt us and love us and feeling guilt and shame for getting that experience instead of our biological parents.
Also, adoptive parents are just as much victims of the Korean government as adoptees and biological families - We were all lied to. It's not the adoptive parents' fault. It's not the adoptees' fault. It's not the biological parents' fault. It is the fault of the Korean government and the adoption agencies that didn't ask enough questions. It's the fault of a broken system that started with good intentions and ended with painful results.
It will never get easier, but hopefully, as time tenaciously moves on, we will get better at living with these dialectical experiences and holding space for all of it. Godspeed.
If you are a Korean adoptee, please feel free to reach out to me anytime for one free session to discuss the documentary and your adoption story and hopefully begin to heal from this wound. You can reach me at kara@kintsugicounselingservices.com or by text or phone at 330-576-5259.
If you know or love a Korean adoptee, please share this information about South Korea's Reckoning with them and let them know there is support!
Here are some outstanding Facebook Groups for Korean Adoptees:
Banet:
Korean American Adoptees:
Koreans, Kinship, and Reuniting with DNA:
And here are some KAD Resources:
Korean Adoptee Resource Hub – Simplifying the search for Korean Adoptee resources (kadresourcehub.com)
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